Funny quotes and sayings

A fun collections of short quotes and sayings. Thanks to @5tevenw the source of most of these quotes.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.

Wine improves with age. The older I get, the more I like it.

If you don’t like where you are, then change it! You’re not a tree.

I hate being bi-polar. It’s awesome.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least that’s what the restraining order says.

Always use tasteful words. You may have to eat them.

The road to success is always under construction.

You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don’t need.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

“We can still be friends” is like saying “Hey, the dog died but we can keep it”

I’d like to have more self-esteem, but I don’t deserve it.

The 3 stages of sex in marriage– – Tri-weekly – Try-weekly – Try-weakly

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