Funny short quotes

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Avoid employing unlucky people. Throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.

What do I think of Western civilization? I think it would be a very good idea.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

To generalize on women is dangerous. To specialize on them is infinitely worse.

There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want men.

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s – That’s because she changes it more often.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.

Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so waste your time and have the time of your life!

A woman is like a tea bag. She only knows her strength when put in hot water.

Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That’s his.

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

When you are always ahead of others, you are always walking alone.

I hope life isn’t a joke, because I don’t get it.

There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.

Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.

Vegetarians are killing the rainforest.

Some say the glass is half full, some say the glass is half empty. I say “Are you gonna drink that?

Don’t be so open minded that your brain falls out.

If you expect the unexpected, then isn’t the unexpected the expected?

Your future depend on your what you dream, so go to sleep.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said ‘no’.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.

When I came back to Dublin I was court marshaled in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.

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